Once you start down the mountain of holiday consumption it's a slippery slope, folks, and you land flat on your back at the bottom of a deep gorge staring up at the sky without a thought in your head, barely able to utter your own name.
No, I didn't fool myself about what the Christmas season would bring. I didn't make any of those false promises about self-control because I knew full well that I was going to cave like a Taliban on the run. I knew that I would become a couch potato, and a movie junkie, and true enough, I've spent the last month watching mass amounts of media tripe, engorged and tick-like, and only now, post-binging and post-resolutions, I'm just beginning to set foot on some firm ground. The Media Diet is born again, I shall call it MD04 ("muh-doh-fer"), and the first act shall be a semi-complete confession of my holiday consumption sins in order of increasing guilt level (GL). Interesting: the top four choices are all movies with very little dialogue.
Mock duck du jour
Winged Migration
This recommended by the Times documentary was playing at the cheap theater across the river from my house. Birds and french accents is a tough combination to top for $2(!), so I went over there on a Saturday and killed a few hours watching feathers. How can this go wrong, I wondered?
A buddy of mine doesn't like this film because he claims the birds are "fake," that they were raised in captivity by handlers and are consequently inauthentic. Yeah that's true, but who cares? They're still delicious. I particularly liked the bit where the flock of Canada Geese were flying through the Grand Canyon (actually Utah) and then they pass a Bald Eagle sitting alone on a rock. The french guy was saying: "Zee Bald Eegull flize won szousand mahlz, all aloon." Also: I could have done without the new age music. Why not some INXS?
GL: Sainthood
Wonton Soup
The Way Home
This was an absurdly cute movie about an old Korean deaf/mute farm woman and her 7-year old grandson from the city. It was basically 'city mouse meets country mouse' meets 'old and deaf mouse meets annoying brat with single mother mouse.' Like the bird movie, there was very little dialogue to be found. Thank you mute people!
I just happened to be walking through the living room when my roommate put this on, and I sat down and really enjoyed this fine foreign fare.
GL: Running a yellow
Egg Nog
The Yule Log Show
The only way to avoid sacrilege while watching TV on Christmas is with the Yule Log Show. In New York the yule log has been a consistent ratings cow on Christmas for years. I can't remember ever seeing it in MN before (I'm sure it has been). Sitting around watching the yule log and shouting "the poker! here comes the fire poker!" is a direct result of a new Christmas tradition: the Christmas morning Jagermeister.
GL: Jaywalking
Figgy Pudding
Modern Times
The last chance to see the new print of this Chaplin great was New Year's Eve, so I went. I didn't want to get my party on too soon, and New Years and Modern Times go hand in hand, combining my twin loves of great depressions and utopian visions.
Apparently 1934 was in that brief window of time in between silent pictures and full-blown talkies, so while most of the film offers only a musical score, there are strange moments with pre-recorded talking, i.e. voiceover, not in sync with the actors on the screen. I don't think we ever hear Charlie's voice, and I wonder what he sounds like. Also featured: the stunning actress Paulette Goddard, who later married and divorced Chaplin.
GL: 9 mph over the limit
Filet 'o' Fish Value Meal
Finding Nemo
New Year's day with a hangover. This movie really made me hungry. The sea turtles are like, "Dude. Grab shell."
GL: Parking in a No Parking Zone
A single M&M
40 seconds of the Rose Bowl
I was eating consecutive family dinner #28 and I looked up at the TV in the corner of the vietnamese restaurant and saw that moment in the rose bowl where the Michigan QB threw a pass that bounced off his wide out's foot and ricocheted into the arms of the opposing secondary. That was awesome.
I hate football, but I love that the Vikings are kind of like the Red Sox of the NFL, minus the charming old-world style and the obsessed, self-loathing fans.
GL: Tailgating
Endless Christmas Dinner (twice)
Return of the King (twice)
Even thinking about talking about thinking about this movie makes me wince. I went to see this twice, once for each Xmas dinner with each parent. And each time I emerged from the theater exhausted. I wanted so badly to invest myself in the story, having already given dozens of hours of my media life to the saga's previous chapters (not to mention the books), and I did my damndest to give a shit about what was happening on the screen.
In the end it was futile, because the editing is just plain brutal. The cuts come fast and furious, jumping between the various plotlines like an video game dancer at a Korean arcade, and I guess it had to be paced that way because there's simply so much plot to include. But it stressed me out and I couldn't help gritting my teeth while watching. Believe it or not, even though the film is 3 and 1/2 hours long, I wish they'd have taken a bit more time to tell the story right. I can't believe I just thought that.
Hobbits
Another problem: like the book, the movie lacks any internal character conflicts (Gollum is the most intriguing figure?) but unlike the books, the movie loses sense of the human scale. Because of the plot demands there are very few scenes that feature "dialogue" or "humor" or anything that would ground the epic adventures of our valiant troupe. These hobbits have to go on a this huge, year-long voyage, and you know they're spending most of their time with boring mundane details (eating/hiking/drinking/sleeping) which we are denied. We get no sense of the passage of time or space, and thus no sense that these great deeds were done by normal people (as normal as tiny furry-feeted in-the-closet hobbits can get).
GL: Driving an SUV
Peanut Brittle
The Untouchables (the movie)
I don't know why I watched this, save to say that inertia is a powerful force. This movie is bubble gum sweet, and I think the whole screenplay is just an excuse for the admittedly wonderful baby carriage scene, which almost half made up for my wasted 2 hours.
GL: Running over a squirrel
Chocolates, Hershey products, Swedish Fish holiday candy, other forgotten sweets
Friends, Elimidate, Channel 17 Weather Radar, other forgotten shows
What do you want to watch?
Gimme the remote.
I got it.
I don't want to watch this.
Well we're watching it.
Dumble.
It was just like old times, and we sat around watching TV like there was no tomorrow. there was the 5 o'clock news, then the 6, then a full hour of the aviation radar channel. OK, so i don't have cable. Kiss my ass.
GL: Intentionally running over a squirrel while driving an SUV
Hot Ham & Cheese sandwich meal on a plastic tray from your Jr. High cafeteria
The League of Extraordinary Gentleman, plus DVD extras
The nadir. Nothing could excuse watching this total bomb, let alone staying on the couch after the movie was ofer and watching both the deleted scenes montage and the 'making of' documentary. Although I have to admit to enjoying the latter, the way the actors were expected to say something intelligent about the film pre-post-production, before they have any idea what the final cut will look like. And after you've sat through a horrible film, hearing the actors rave about how great it is, how high their expectations are . . . well let's just say you start to understand how bad movies get made, and the possible breadth of self-delusion.
Highlights include: a very long bit with the costume designer talking about how the gaps between the bullets in the Tom Sawyer's gunbelt represent the gaps in his spotted childhood. And Sean Connery (senile?) talking about why he made this movie:
[strange scottish-ish accent] I don't get these sh-pecial effect movies. You know they ash-ked me to be in 'The Matrix' and I sh-aid no. I sh-wear I have no idea what's going on.
GL: Same as above, only replace the squirrel and the SUV with a duckling and a tricycle.
