30 October 2003
Oak Street Cinema

In a blimp, high over America:

Herb: And the winner, and still holder of the title Best Boring Movie in the World . . . Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Odyssey. This race was tighter than any of us thought possible, but in the end, when everything boring was said and done, Andrei Rublev just couldn't match the sheer boredom of Kubrick's titanic snooze fest.

Jerry: Right, Herb. The unanimous winner here is Kubrick, and it comes as no surprise to this commentator. After all, 2001 entered this contest the heavy favorite. But Tarkovsky really put up a good fight, and I think we can all agree that we've witnessed something special here tonight.

Herb: Though for a while there I thought Andrei Rublev was going to pull out an upset victory. He came out very boring in the beginning.

Jerry: I was off the edge of my seat for the first two hours, Herb. Everyone knew coming into the screening that Andrei Rublev was at a significant disadvantage in terms of total boredom, but I was a bit surprised at how close it ended up. I mean, look at the number of battle scenes in the Tarkovsky. There had to be at least five live and death struggles. Is there anything less boring than that?

Herb: I counted seven life and death struggles, Jerry.

Jerry: It definitely could have been seven. I think I nodded off somewhere in the middle.

Herb: Yes you did, Jerry, but my point was that, given the circumstances, Tarkovsky really adjusted well by making his film nearly incomprehensible.

Jerry: You're right again, Herb. Most of the time I had no idea what was going on. To begin with, nobody talks much in this movie, but then when they do talk, it's in Russian, and the subtitles are hard to read. That's the mark of a true auteur who really has his A-game going. Another thing was how he got the setting to work for him, rather than against him. Having the movie take place in Fifteenth century Russia, that's boring right off the bat. Tarkovsky really took Kubrick's outerspace Futurism and turned it on its head. I guess you could say this was a non-blast from the past.

Herb:

Jerry: You know what I'm talking about here, Herb?

Herb: I do know that coming into tonights matchup I don't think I could have told you one thing about Fifteenth century Russia. But, come to think of it, I still couldn't tell you very much. What did we just see?

Jerry: A long, befuddlement of movie, Herb.

Herb: My personal nadir was when Rublev said "Nothing is more terrible than snow falling in a temple." What's that supposed to mean?

Jerry: Hold your horses, Herb, because we're missing something here. I did pick up some of the movie. It was about a painter, right?

Herb: I'm pretty sure that's right, Jerry.

Jerry: And from what I could tell, the painter was also a monk, and he was struggling to find meaning in a world that refused to live up to his ideals. What's so hard to understand about that?

Herb: Well, as far as that goes I'm right there with you Jerry, and we all know the internal struggles of an artist are pretty boring, so Tarkovsky's footage made some great strides there. A big step in the right direction. But art alone isn't going to win you any boring but good prizes. It's hackneyed.

Jerry: That's true.

Herb: Look. Art is boring, that's a given. But where Tarkovsky really outbored his competition was with seemingly random non-sequitors. Take the first scene. What was that?

Jerry: I wish I knew, Herb. I was puzzled there for sure. Have we found out yet who that guy in the makeshift animal-hide balloon really was?

Herb: No one seems to know for sure, Jerry, but we have gotten word that he'll be out for the rest of the season.

Jerry: Ouch. What a shame.

Herb: Ouch indeed, Jerry. Our thoughts go out tonight to the unknown balloonist.

Jerry: Speaking of injuries, Herb, I'll eat my hat if no animals were harmed in the making of this film. I've kept a running tally, and I came up with at least three major animal abuses. First you had some peasants beating a dog to death, then Huns setting fire to a cow, and finally there was that scene with the horse falling down the stairs in slow motion, breaking its leg, and getting stabbed by a mongol.

Herb: What about that scene where Atilla was throwing rotting meat into the pack of hungry dogs?

Jerry: Right. That goes on the list for sure.

Herb: I guess the ASPCA wasn't around in Fifteenth century Russia.

Jerry: You can say that again. It kind of puts Kubrick's apes into perspective doesn't it?

Herb: It sure does, Jerry. And, in the end, all the animal torture and violence really tipped the boring scales in favor of the Space Odyssey. Close but no cigar, Mr. Tarkovsky.

Herb: Close but no exploding cigar.

Jerry: Yeah, whatever. So there you have it, folks. Both movies were masterpieces, profound statements on the human condition. And both movies were duller than a Ken Burns' documentary on the History of Dullness. They went head to head for more than three hours and in the end, the defending champion came out on top. Congratulations to the late Mr. Kubrick, and we'll see you next time on The Best Boring Movie in the World. Signing off, this is Jerry.

Herb: And this is Herb.

Jerry: And so long for now.

Nutritional Equivalent: Borscht